I'm ignoring you. I could say that I'm too busy or don't have much to say but I have lots to say and think about writing often. My mind is filled with things to write. I realized today that although my excuse for not writing has been "Maybe later when I'm feeling better", this is not the true reason. The real and true reason is because I'm scared to admit what is really going on. If I acknowledge it, I have to accept it. If I accept it I have to deal with it. Dealing with it means facing it and frankly I don't know if I'm ready to do that. Honestly I'm not even sure what "it" is.
What I do know is; I feel angry, ashamed, hurt, confused, bitter, jealous, lonely and scared. What I'm not feeling is happy and complete. The term "biological clock" never meant anything to me until now. Some women's is stronger then others and apparently mine is on steroids (just a figure of speech, I'm not on steroids right now and for future reference prednisone sucks ass). I also know I have the most amazing family and if it wasn't for unconditional love this would be a much different story.
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From a moms perspective... I too have trouble facing the monster, wish I could make everything ok like moms are supposed to do... I can only paritally express how I feel... similar to being the skier that has fallen from the top of the mountain & is bouncing off rocks, sliding face first down ice & snow then bouncing, falling, tumbling... The deepest fear & sadness I've ever known. I love may daughter so much...I want a less stressful, less painful bd free life for her. This illness is cruel. So I pray... Sending you a hug & wishes for a good day...
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