Once upon a time I had a plan and an angel...or three.

I had a really great plan. But then I changed it and made a new one, a better one? No, unfortunately the new plan turned out to be the worst ever, it included damage to myself, my children and the people closest to me. It was rot with disaster and took me to the lowest, darkest place I'd ever been. The plan lasted 1 year and will leave painful scars. Now I face the shame of having such a terrible plan, for going against my better judgement and for ignoring that voice in my head. All reasoning was gone.

The one good thing about this new plan is that it came with some angels (and knowledge). The last year of my life has been a battle that I didn't fight alone. These angels held my hand. Guided me. At moments I think they even laughed at me. But most of all they protected me, even saved my life a couple times.

I separated from that person I thought I loved and the plan that accompanied him...I'm looking up from that place. Actually, maybe now that my angels have some down time they can figure out a new plan for me cause I kinda need one...something fierce. I'm grateful for the patience and understanding of my daughters fathers during that time, they are indestructible rocks.  

What's Imuran?

It's January and today I reflected on where I was exactly one year ago today... On an airplane, with my family, on our way to Hawaii for a vacation. It was the most horrific flight I'd ever been on. Lucy at the time was 2 and completely miserable. My ex-husband David was experiencing some kind of self induced coma and was no help at all. But Hawaii was amazing, probably not as amazing as it could of been but nice all the same. It was the last big thing my family did together before everything changed. The kids are adjusted. David is good. A year later and he has moved on. He is a soldier and I'm sure will use the experience that was 'us' as a survival tool to fight off future heathens he might cross.

The point you ask...What's Imuran? My point is I haven't taken Imuran on a consistent basis for at least 4 months. Bad news: I've slacked severely on my meds. Good news: No major symptoms have surfaced that I can tell. I say "that I can tell" because these silly lungs of mine can be tricky.

Stay posted for more...I have an appointment with my Rheumie on Jan 24th, can't wait for that lashing.

Somewhere lost in time

Despite the state of my mind, heart and soul my Behcets symptoms are doing okay. I can't go into what has happened over the last couple months too much right now. For no other reason then I'm just not able to put the experience to words yet, besides only this Nutcase in this Nutshell should have to carry the burden. But I'm here, broken and lost in time. It's June and apparently May wasn't worthy of a blog, actually May wasn't worthy of much.

One year and counting

I went to my one year Pulmonary Function Test and my lungs haven't changed since my 6 month appointment. I suppose that's good news. I seem to be okay on the 100mgs of Imuran. I've had a few oral ulcers since I changed the dose. My girls and I are adjusting to our new home and life. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about my health insurance after July. I'm supposed to have another PFT in October and I'm wondering if my cheapest bet would be to head to Canada for it and pay cash. I still have some time to think about it. Everyone keeps asking why I can't stay on my ex-husbands insurance, apparently people do it all the time. He's not too interested in entertaining the idea for longer then it takes him to say "NO". Everyone also keeps asking me if I'll ever get married again, at this point my answer is "yea, for health insurance".

Day 357 I'm running

I started a new job. I'm moving myself and my daughters into an apartment this weekend. I signed divorce papers last week. I have my 1 year pulmonary function test next week. I won't have health insurance after June. I started taking 100mg's of Imuran a day in order to be able to bank enough meds so that I can hopefully complete the two year treatment. I just want to close this chapter of my life. I'm running. Yes, I am. Either run and be free from the stress that was my married life or stay and see just how sick I can get.

Day 304 A Good Scolding

Went and saw my Rheumie today for a follow up and meds check. He wasn't very happy that I've missed my last 2 blood draws. I should have had blood drawn in December and then again last week. I just keep forgetting! I stopped taking my Imuran earlier this week in order to allow the antibiotics for my bladder infection to work and also so my body can help fight the infection. Today is my first day back on it. The stress in my life is like none before and it will be a true test for my disease. I know the stress will pass and I just need to keep my eyes on the horizon.

Day 301..Batting zero

Hello everyone. Damn, life truly has a funny way of throwing curve balls at you. I'm a living testament to that. I don't think I'll be coming off the Imuran in April to get pregnant. I'm not really sure how much longer I'll be able to take it. Nor am I sure if I'll even have health insurance come April.