Day 114 & 115 New mattress?

I've been doing too much and not resting enough the last couple weeks and it's catching up with me. I managed to go to Yoga this morning and Lucy even cooperated in the childcare. I had a difficult time doing some of the positions that I could do before with out any problems. I'm still waking up with a sore back, maybe I need to get a new mattress.

Day 109 - 113 I don't have anything to say

It makes me feel good that you care enough to ask why I'm not blogging. I'm sorry but I don't have anything to say except 'I am here'. I don't have any oral or genital ulcers. I'm exhausted by 3pm everyday. I can't keep up with the goals I've set for myself. I'm not exercising lately, Lucy can't stand the gym's childcare center so that doesn't help. My back is particularly sore and my knees have been hurting me. I'm not loosing anymore weight although I could stand to loose about 20 more pounds to be at a healthy weight for my height. Anyways....

As far as I can tell the Imuran is doing what it's been made to do. I don't know if it's working on my lungs or not. I won't know until September when I have another PFT (Pulmonary Function Test) done.

Day 106 through 108 Searching

I'm still here. Sorry I'm not very motivated to write much lately. I'm still searching for someone with Behcet's that has the same pulmonary disorder and still haven't found anyone. I did find a girl that is taking Imuran though. She isn't taking it for her lungs but she says it has helped with her symptoms and other then her hair falling out she is very happy with it. Luckily my hair isn't falling out but frankly I wouldn't be too disappointed if it did. My hair is really long and black, this time of the year it's super hot and in the way. Hope you are all having a great summer.

Day 99 through Day 105 My Limbo

Have you felt lost for the last 6 days? Anticipation? Concern? Confusion? Does this sound like an advertisement? If you've answered yes to any of these questions (minus the last one) you may be suffering from a severe case of 'My Limbo'. My Limbo is a terrible state of mind in which you completely lack a sense of direction. My Limbo is the product of not having answers or explanations to your questions. This is where I'm at.

Day 98. Realization

I was talking to a friend today about depression. We were discussing the importance of making the people around us happy. If I'm happy my family and friends are happy. It was the first time I actually said

"I had to humble myself and take prozac...didn't do it for myself, did it for the people around me because I love them and want them to be happy"

I had the realization that if I was alone in this situation I would probably be completely content being miserable, depressed and feeling utterly sorry for myself. But then again, who really knows what life for me would be like without my peeps.

Day 96 & 97 Giving Thanks, parties and 'stuff'

I've been busy the last few days with parties. I went to a baby shower yesterday and was supposed to make it to a birthday party also but wasn't able to do both. Today was another birthday party for my friends little girl. These little gatherings are great for visiting but horrible for my diet and I've been slacking lately.

I'm frustrated with myself because I want to be self sufficient once I'm off the Imuran. I want to be able to manage my disease without medication. I know this is the goal for many disease sufferers and many times it doesn't happen as planned but I have to at least try. I have been doing a little yoga daily at home but can't seem to get to the gym. There was a big chunk of time when I was first diagnosed that I secluded myself from many people in my life. It was sad and depressing but much easier to pay attention to what I was doing.

Today I got a little crazy. David and I had been discussing the 'stuff' that invades our life and space and by 'discussing' I mean he bitched about all my crap. He started to go through some of Lucy's toys and pulled out all the "baby toys" to get packed away. Lucy is turning two in 6 days and it was time to start going through stuff. I had a hard time with this and realized that I was boarder-line hoarding. In my manic moment I thought I would get rid of all the baby stuff and even my incredible collection of maternity clothes. What's the point anyways right? I talked myself out of it and decided to get rid of all the crap that's sitting around collecting dust.

This Sunday I'm thankful for God leading us to a great church. We've struggled with finding a church to call ours for a long time and I think we finally found one!

Day 95. Too hot

It's too damn hot to do anything...even blog.

Day 94. Tripoding

Here in the beautiful pacific northwest it got up to 95 degrees and it's not treating me too well. My body is achy, especially my knees, my breathing is the worst it's been in months and I'm crabby as hell.

David asked me last night how my breathing was because he'd noticed that it's been getting bad. I like to ignore it and I get a little frustrated when someone mentions it. A couple weeks ago Lily asked "Mom, why do you always do that?". I didn't know what she was talking about and replied with "do what?" She demonstrated it for me by slightly leaning forward, hunching her shoulders and then put her hands on her hips. This is called "tripoding", and I do it sometimes to get a breath. I've been doing it for so long that I don't even realize when I do it anymore. I didn't think it was necessary to give her that explanation so I gave her a the short answer "sometimes I have a hard time breathing and it helps".

Day 93. HLA

I forgot to post the results of my genetic testing awhile back. I do not have the gene that is associated with about 33% of Behcet's patients; HLA B51. The following is my HLA panel;

A2
A24
B13
B44
Cw5
Cw6

See what you can do with that.

Day 92. Something to do

I've decided that it's important to set some new goals for myself. It helps me to keep my mind occupied. I have some daily goals (which I've been failing at miserably lately) but I need some short/long term goals. For instance, I want to loose 6 pounds in the next 4 weeks, 1.5 pounds/week. I think this is a realistic and healthy goal. I also want to put in some new flower beds in my yard (pending energy levels). I also want to start belly dancing again (also pending energy levels). Not sure about the time period for the last couple goals but at least they're outlined in black and white now.

I've been feeling good lately. I lowered my dose of Imuran to 150mg's/day per the doctors orders. Not really seeing much of a difference. We had a 4th of July party this year and I enjoyed some drinks. The fact that I only had a few drinks and then don't remember anything for about 3 hours makes me think that Prozac and alcohol really isn't a good mix. Here's a small note for future reference; when the little label on your meds bottle says "avoid alcohol" they really mean it. Still recovering from that evening.

Day 91. Half way?

If I was going to stick to my idea of coming off the Imuran after 6 months yesterday would have been my half way point. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I'm trying not to loose my mind thinking about it. I'm anxious for September to come around so we can see what's going on with my lungs. I feel like I'm being selfish by wanting to have another baby. Maybe I should just be grateful that I already have two beautiful babies. I just always thought I would have more kids. I guess life doesn't always go the way you plan it.

Day 90. Giving Thankss!

Today I'm thankful for my wonderful friends and family! Happy 4th of July!!!

Day 89. Lots to say

I actually have a lot on my mind that I want to share but I've been crazy busy. Had company visiting and I'm selling fireworks for a friend at his stand. Plus we are having a big party at our house tomorrow for the 4th of July so I've been getting ready for that. I'm just tired and over exhausting myself.

Day 88.

too busy to blog

Day 87. Just to clearify

I will never become pregnant on the Imuran. This is my personal decision. It is a class D drug and many women have delivered healthy babies while taking it, I will not be one of them. The risk to the baby is too great for my comfort level.

Back to square one. Bull shit!